Everything hurts today. Body and soul. Everything was going so well, then, out of nowhere found a new fear. Of trying. I expected some depression, but I prepared for it. I expected feeling lost or alone. I knew how to get out of it. Don’t know how to step forward with a broken heart. That’s really the best way to describe it. Something in my chest hurts and prevents me from being successful. Loneliness is part of it. Don’t have enough good, clean, positive people in my life. My phone doesn’t ring and it gets sad always reaching out to never find anyone. People inspire me. Ground me. Let me see the world in ways I’ve lost or can’t anymore. Some try to define me, work out what or who I am. They get it wrong, always wrong. Then they leave because I don’t fit what they thought I was. They’re upset or annoyed that I did’t fit some other mold and I’m the one that loses. Or do I? I’m left alone, it feels like losing. All little strands but no real connections. Do I run? Do I stay? Where ever I go, there I am. I understand it’s not all me but have to accept that I maybe part of the problem. If no one gets me where do I go? Never ask questions you may not want the answers to. There have been times I’ve gone through my day or week where I haven’t said a word to anyone just to see if anyone would notice a loss.
I try to be a good person but get taken advantage of a lot. Used as a bandaid to fix other people then thrown away. Tired and warn out.